Exactly 8 days ago I spoke at a funeral service. That means, I lost someone that I loved & cared for so much that I had to speak about their incredibly short life to our/his friends & family. I couldn’t possibly find my own words to say so, I didn’t. I read wise words from others. I shared a piece in closing that was sent to me by a dear friend. The link she lead me to was labeled “He Was Grieving Over The Death Of His Best Friend, Until An Old Man Told Him THIS. Mind Blown.” If you’ve recently lost someone close, I highly recommend you read it.
Today, I began to understand what the old man in the story meant when he said, “As for grief, you’ll find it comes in waves.” Today a wave hit me. Today came with unexpected emotions. The kind that flow out of you like a burst water pipe. Without warning, without consent & unforgiving.
Emotions don’t care that you have a job or responsibilities… Or that you’re doing everything in your power to move forward…
When did our brains & hearts become so intertwined? Or not at all it seems? I’m confused because I told myself I’d be fine. It’s the truth, I will be… In time…
but today, I am not fine.
Today my heart aches. You can’t prepare for this kind of thing. You can’t prepare yourself for what comes next. You can’t prepare a response for all the people that are “sorry for your loss” and you sure as hell can’t prepare to have THAT conversation with your two year old… over and over again….
This is out of my control and I’m not fond of this feeling. Am I any less in control than I was 2 weeks ago? Probably not but, today I have all I can do to just FLOAT… I don’t know where the next wave will take me. The unknown, the “what if’s” swirling in my brain, the disorder of our lives at the moment, the new mile long to-do list…
The questions… As if I don’t have enough of my own, others are asking, too.
The fog is lifting, and I can see more clearly now. But do I want to? Am I ready to face this reality, head-on?
It’s like spaces of time have skipped on by. I want to be here. I want to be fully present again. I want to be thankful for all that I still have. I am blessed beyond measure & I do not take this for granted, you know.
I am human. I have many feelings. I feel guilt, regret, anger, sadness, confusion & ever-more, stress. I didn’t have this before. I’ll be honest, I sort of thought we “had it all figured out” for a while there… until the unthinkable happened.
I drift in & out of this new reality. Carefully & subconsciously at my own pace. I start to think about the future & I am excited & afraid at once. I am afraid that with the excitement of new adventures & joy will also come sadness & slowly slipping memories.
I know tomorrow will be better. I know that the waves won’t be quite as high or quite as rough, tomorrow…