It’s been crickets around here lately, I know… life. But I really want to share a story about my day a couple weeks back. I just sort of scribbled it out in a moment of distress but now I’m fairly confident it’s worth sharing because I’ve come to realize, I am so far from being alone in this season of life. I’m with you mamas.
So, this is where I’m at. Right alongside the millions of women who have walked this path before me, with me and ahead of me. We can all meet here. Sometimes, no matter how hard we try, it just doesn’t feel like enough. In these last weeks of pregnancy, I have found myself saying, “what am I doing wrong?” When it comes to my 3 year old and more often the thought pops into my head, “am I really cut out for this?!” With the onset of Braxton hicks contractions, sleepless nights & over zealous nesting, came a whirlwind of emotions boiling to the surface.
Sure, our timing has been off since day one. I know there is no perfect timing to life’s most beautiful gifts but beyond the basic nerves, arises a women who truly questions her ability at times to know, deep down, that this will all work out… you see, I don’t just want to know it will all be okay, I need to know that it will be MORE than okay. Is that too much to ask?
I need to know that we will get past this hard season and flourish… even if it takes a while to get there. I need to know that between digging deep for the patience, gentleness & love that my 3 year old so desperately needs from me, I will also be able to nurture a newborn. That somehow I will be able to balance the endless demands with patience & great care. I need to know that even when that’s simply not possible, I will have grace and enough strength to get back up and try again. As I replayed the drawn out conversation with my partner last night over in my head this morning, I could feel the tears welling up in my eyes. By the time I could pull my car over, I was a full blown ugly-crying, mess.
I started thinking to myself, “I’m crazy. I must be. Women do this without fret every day and here I am freaking out.” Here I am losing it all at the steering wheel. Creating all these reasons why it won’t work out & why our family won’t be happy enough. Welcome to Mum’s pity party…table for 1. I am in the midst of what feels like elected chaos. We chose this. We chose to raise a boy who though strong willed, deserves to be parented with firm yet gentle love. We chose to grow our family & bring new life into our home. We chose to do this together, even on the days when we lose our patience & don’t practice the kindness we so relentlessly try to teach. I made choices that left me standing smack dab in the middle of the muddiest rain storm today.
I know very well that what comes next is meant to change me… How could it not? I don’t know yet what that really means and it might be the fear of that vast unknown that’s really got me tied up. But when the clouds pass, and they eventually will, those same choices that opened the skies upon me, are going to be the very reason the sun shines so damn bright.
The sun always sets again and everything is as it should be. And I know, especially since it took me weeks to publish this, that somehow it is all okay. There are even days where it is MORE than okay. Remember that mamas.