The Truth about this Pregnancy.

Gosh, where do I begin? Life has been roller coaster of BUSY lately. Not just in the sense that our calendar is likely just as full as yours is but also its that having a busy mind & being so emotional lately… It can really wear a mama down.

The truth is… I had high expectations for this pregnancy.

I romanticized the idea of how my second pregnancy would go so much in my own head that I don’t even think my partner could possibly have any idea of what to expect.. And, since we started dating when P was about 5 or 6 months old, he doesn’t have the experience of my first pregnancy to compare it to so, he would be relying solely on the pretty picture I painted for us… Do you ever do that? You start looking forward to something so much that you inadvertently raise the bar so high that you could never realistically meet your own expectations or idea of how something should be…

I  wanted so badly to grow our family when I met the right one. So badly, that I acted like a stage 5 crazy person by asking B in like our first month of dating if he wanted to have another baby in addition to mine because if not, that was a deal breaker for me. Of course he must be just as crazy as I am cause’ well…here we are 😉

We blended into a beautiful family pretty quickly and I’ve looked forward to the “right time” to have another baby for a long time. I’ve envisioned my hands rubbing my growing belly, having the most supportive partner by my side, little P helping us welcome a new brother or sister and I’ve also had this idea that it would just about be the most marvelous thing ever. Some of the best months of our lives. I’m not kidding you. I thought that it would be “easier” because I’d done this before. That my body would be “used to this change” or that I’d just be so ridiculously happy all the time because well, how could you not be when your performing miracles? Right?

I was at a party this weekend & the same question kept coming up, “so how are you feeling? You look great!” I so badly wanted to say, “I feel amazing! I love being pregnant & we are just so blessed to have a healthy baby that none of the other stuff gets to me.” I wanted to give that perfect response. The one everyone wants to hear… But that’s just not how I feel. And honestly, it feels shitty that I don’t feel that way.

The truth is. This has been hard. Granted, so many women have it MUCH harder. Serious medical issues amongst other things and I don’t want to downplay that by sounding like a big ole’ complainer of little things but that’s part of the problem… I almost feel like I’m not entitled to be honest with people about how I’m feeling because frankly, “it could be worse.”

I’ve been sick as a dog for months. Sure, the good days are becoming more frequent now {just passed the 20 week mark} but the hard days are HARD. I put my best game face on for 8 hours a day at work. I understand now how the TV can sometimes be the perfect babysitter for my 3 year old. I’m incredibly anxious & I can’t stop overthinking everything… “Will I be enough for two children?” “Will I be able to love another child as I have loved my first?” “Will we really be ready when the time comes?” “Can we afford all of our preferences?” And recently I can’t help but wonder how different it might be raising a little girl this time?

And the hormones. Who am I anymore? Like really? I’m all over the place. I cry way more than I’d like to admit & believe me, I’m an advocate for “letting it all out.” I feel so needy of my partner & super guilty for my lack of help with most everything. Though the guy handles everything with far more grace than I ever could, I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t taken a toll on us as a couple. The energy crash most days is serious business & though I’m minimally trying, I’m feeling far less “in shape” or fit to have a baby than I did the first time around.

I guess I just want to remind myself that it’s okay to feel like pregnancy isn’t all peaches and cream. It’s okay that I’m not screaming from the mountain tops, “I love being pregnant!” It’s perfectly normal that I didn’t live up to that fantasy I created in my head about “what it should be like.” That doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy the miracle of giving life or that there aren’t plenty of good days in between the crazy ones or that I’m not grateful that I am perfectly capable of carrying a healthy pregnancy… It just means, I am human and I’m keepin’ it real with myself… and you… Cause’ I know I can’t be the only one…

Be well,

vivianna

 

22 thoughts on “The Truth about this Pregnancy.

  1. So beautiful. It’s so hard, I never imagined pregnancy would be as hard as it was. It was definitely the hardest thing I had done. It takes such a told on you physically and emotionally. so you made me tear up 😏 you are such a great mom and will do so amazing with your little family! They will be so lucky to have you.! It’s all worth it, that’s all I use to tell myself, and it could not have been more true.!

    • You are the sweetest. I’m so thankful to know I’m not alone & that sharing my experience resonates with other women like you. You are strong so, hearing that other strong mothers share in some of the same thoughts & feelings can be so comforting when you need it most. As you said, this is all so worth it <3

  2. Its tough. I remember envisioning me having all girls, living in another state, with another job and a big family. None of that happened but I love this life I’ve been given. I had two rough, emotional pregnancies (and deliveries) with my boys but the aftermath makes it all worth it.
    I hear having morning sickness is a good thing if that helps, mama. You’re doing a great job and just take one day at at time. You got this!

  3. It is perfectly okay to not enjoy every little moment of pregnancy. Of course, you’re blessed to be pregnant and shouldn’t feel shamed into feeling appreciative at all times because others aren’t able to do the same. Pregnancy is hard. It’s physically demanding and emotionally consuming. Just know that that is normal. As women, we see all of these beautiful people on social media making pregnancy look incredible, easy, and beautiful but we all know that’s not always the case. It’s so easy to compare but you just have to take care of you and your growing babe! You’re doing great mama and you’re totally normal. Just know that we have all been here. Whether people will admit it or not.

    • This is so true & one of the things I hope to bring to life in my blog… That we don’t need to paint a pretty picture or if the picture looks pretty, there is always another side to the story or behind the photos we see online. I want to honest & connect with other women who have shared similar experiences, along with those who may not have an outlet to share their voice though it matters too. Thank you <3

  4. I am so sorry it’s hard but I am glad you wrote about it. Many women feel this was about pregnancy but don’t have a safe place to put it out there. Hopefully someone will see this and know that it’s ok not to be feeling like you’re walking on a cloud of bliss for 9 months! good luck!!

    • That is exactly why I finally hit publish… I was nervous. I write a million pieces that I never publish because the getting it out part is simply therapeutic but I’m so glad to hear it has resonated with some other women. Thank you <3

  5. Pregnancy is such a hard time, I completely understand. I just got done with my 3rd pregnancy and it was HARD. Worth it of course, but when I was going through it it was far from enjoyable. Hang in there mama, one day you will hold your little one in your arms. until then, yeah we just have to toughen it out i guess.

  6. Oh, mama. You are definitely not the only one. Pregnancy is such a challenging time. Miraculous and beautiful, yes. But also hard. Give yourself some grace. Feel all of the feelings. Know that it’s all ok. xo

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